Ingredients Purchased by Blake Stilwell
Pizza Cooked by Blake Stilwell
Eaten by Blake Stilwell
Blog Post Written by Blake Stilwell
No movie has enjoyed cult status quite so hard or fast as Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room.” It is exceptional to the world of cult film for a number of reasons, the main being because it is arguably one of the worst movies ever made, yet still draws a considerable crowd at every screening. Another reason is that the Writer, Director, Producer, and Star (but not caterer) will appear in person at many of them. He even took it on a world tour that saw screenings in Europe, Australia and India, among other places. There is even a communal ritual to watching “The Room” in a theater and this involves a lot of yelling, drinking and throwing of cutlery.
The cult status of “The Room” eclipses “the Toxic Avenger” in its campiness, “Troll 2” in its difficulty to watch or take seriously, the Rocky Horror Picture Show in audience engagement and “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans” in unintentional hilarity. And that movie has Nic Cage. Yes, the Room is a very powerful movie.
Also unrivaled in “The Room” is the absolute worst idea for a pizza ever. In the movie, Lisa (Juliette Danielle) orders a pizza as a way to make Johnny (the aforementioned and ubiquitous Wiseau) either feel better about not getting promoted or celebrate his promotion, I’m never quite sure (he doesn’t get promoted, but she didn’t know that, though she makes it sound like she does… whatever). Maybe Johnny is just easy to please and a pizza would cover both outcomes. I guess Lisa would know.
Her pizza order, to me, is one of the most incredulous things about this movie. I was not surprised to find that what she ordered is not the pizza Johnny and Lisa end up eating in the movie, either. Some believe this is what we in the industry call a “continuity error.” I don’t think so. The guys at Rifftrax perfectly sum up this situation:
That’s right. Lisa’s pizza is half pesto and artichoke, half pineapple and Canadian bacon: the Domino’s WTF Special. This is a terrible idea, not just because pineapple on pizza is an abomination and God will surely punish humanity for it, but because it is the mortal sin of going halfsies on a pizza: you can’t mix two sauces. White pizza, Alfredo, Tomato, or Garlic Butter just don’t mix. The sauce is the one thing you have to agree on.
Maybe this is Wiseau’s purpose. Maybe this pizza is a metaphor for Lisa and Johnny’s torrid love affair. Maybe the symbolism is deeper here than we know. Today, I make the pizza slices that were the first wedges in the cracks of Johnny and Lisa’s perfect romance.
Its ingredients are pretty simple, with not much work or costs involved. It is really easy to make pizza crust from scratch (bread flour, yeast, sugar and a little salt). It’s also easy to make pizza sauce from scratch (tomato paste, water, olive oil, spices). The only issue with this is that the crust is time intensive and the sauce will be hit or miss. Buying pre-made crust and sauce is really inexpensive and there are a lot of delicious kinds out there, so you get the good feeling of scratch cooking without the time or cleanup costs. And after watching the Room, you’re going to want to feel like the night wasn’t a total wash.
– Instant pizza crust mix
– Garlic butter
– Pizza sauce (I bought Furmano’s Original… not spicy, but good. I also added garlic, because garlic is the bacon of spices and seasonings)
– Pineapple tidbits
– Canadian bacon
Make the crust as directed. It will instruct you to bake it a bit before adding toppings. Please don’t ignore this step, your pizza will be come a muddled mess… I mean… more so. On the pesto-artichoke half, use a thin layer of garlic butter before spreading the pesto. It makes the pesto spread smoother and distribute more equally. Not that it’s terribly difficult to spread pesto in the first place, a little garlic butter will also make that side of the pizza more saucy and prevent the crust from getting too dry.
Then arrange your artichokes. Looks pretty good right? Now comes the heart-wrenching part (that was not an artichoke pun)… Adding tomato sauce to the other side. Also, pineapple.
If you’re going to be true to this recipe, like Johnny was to Lisa, go light on the cheese. Some of us can’t have cheese anyway. I had to be true to the recipe like Lisa was to Johny and use a cheese substitute. Veggie Shreds’ Mozzarella is actually a really good one. Pop it in the oven for about ten minutes at 375, and it comes out a nice golden brown.
I honestly thought the combination of sauces was going to be a terrible, terrible mix… like they would mix together as the pizza dough rose and create some ungodly mix of pesto, garlic, tomato, pineapple juice, hot ham water, and whatever the artichokes were soaked in (brine?). The two sides actually were able to stay distinct (for the most part) and left me with two impressions:
1) Pesto-Artichoke is a great combination that I am definitely coming back to.
2) Only nondescript Franco-Belgian Creole-Cajuns would like pineapple on pizza.
It would probably be best for you and your on-again, off-again lover to settle on a cheese pizza, just like the cast did in the movie. Cheese pizza is something everyone can get behind.
Also, do not wash this pizza down with Lisa’s “Scotchka.”
Do not drink “Scotchka” at all.