The Poutine on the Ritz Burger | “Bob’s Burgers”

Bob’s Burgers, is about Bob Belcher, a second generation diner owner trying to get his business off the ground, and his family works with him because he needs the free labor. It’s not about the money with Bob, though. He uses as many flavors as possible to create unique burgers… The man is a food innovator who intentionally broke away from traditional diner food (like tuna melts) to pursue his dream menu, with a daily special every day. This morphed into the running joke of the series. According to the Bob’s Burgers Burger Book, the chalkboard gag evolved from a simple one-off where Louise changes the special to something crude into what the show does best: puns.


But the burger of the week is more than just a pun gag. It’s an insight into the mind of Bob, who at first glance looks like any other grill cook in any other diner, except he *really* loves what he does. More than that, Bob’s burgers are supposed to be good. Really good. No matter how odd Bob himself might seem, he loves his creations.


In Season 2, Episode 9 of Bob’s Burgers, Bob and his son Gene star a cooking segment for the local morning show “Get On Up,” where Bob cooks a burger and Gene becomes “Beefsquatch,” making fun of Bob in his new sasquatch mask and scarfing down the burgers. This eventually irked Bob to the point where they had it out on live TV and started a prank war.


“You’re family, you’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other. This isn’t the Bible.”

Normally, I would try to recreate what the burger of the day (behind the counter, not on “Get On Up”) was, but someone already did. The Bob’s Burger Experiment blog, made by an even bigger Bob’s Burgers fan, eventually publishing the Burger Book based on the blog.

Bob doesn’t make the Poutine on the Ritz Burger on the show, but it is one of the specials in the diner in this episode and it is so good. While the burger itself isn’t topped with fries – they would turn into mushy, dry potato chunks (you hear me, Pittsburgh?) – The recipe includes enough gravy and cheese curds to come with a side of poutine!


  • 3 tbsp black pepper
  • 2 tbsp paprika
  • 2 tsp cayenne pepper
  • French Fries
  • 3 cups beef stock
  • 1 lb ground beef
  • Salt
  • Buns
  • Ground Beef
  • cheese curds
  • 1 sleeve of Ritz crackers


Separate a pound of ground beef into quarters and roll them into balls. The Burger Book suggests seasoning the beef, which I did. It was a great idea. Flatten the balls into patties and cook them in a flat skillet on medium heat. Using a skillet recreates the grill Bob uses and it keeps the fat in the burger. Be sure to toast the bun!

The seasonings are for the fries. Cook the fries however you like, deep-fried or baking, as long as it gives them a crispy texture that will hold out against the gravy for a while. In the meantime, mix the spice together in a dish with a lid. When the fries are done, toss them in the spice mixture and cover evenly.


Put a burger on one of the buns, then put the cheese curds on the burger. If you can’t find cheese curds (I had a hard time in Los Angeles), find a reasonable replacement… you want something slightly melty but without an overwhelming flavor. I liked fresh mozzarella or mild goat cheese crumbles. But really try for the cheese curds.



It goes Bun, Burger, Curds, Gravy, Ritz, Bun. I added onion because I love onion.


Take a handful of fries and add cheese curds to them as well. Cover both with gravy. Take a sleeve of Ritz crackers and crumble them up. Open the sleeve and add the Ritz crumbs to the burger. Top it off with the other bun.

The Ritz crackers give an awesome crunchy texture to what would otherwise quickly turn into a mushy burger. The Bob’s Burgers Burger Book also gives great advice for seasoning meat, toasting buns, seasoning fries, and everything else involved in delicious burger production, literally everything you need to make Bob-level Burgers.


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Making burgers like a pro!



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Helmet H*A*S*H | M*A*S*H

Suicide is painless, having the same meal every day is not. After a while, it will get on your nerves. With my own experience deployed to a tent city in the military, I can attest to the fact that the food leaves a lot to be desired. Like, you start to desire real food. Even a guy like the mostly laid-back, often sardonic Hawkeye Pierce can only take so much.

Even though hash had been around well before the 1940s and 50s, it gained popularity as a WWII-era dish that uses potatoes and other cheap vegetables with leftover meat to extend its shelf life (and appeal). During and after WWII, meat was scarce. On the front lines of the Korean War, fresh meat was just as scarce if available at all. Mess cooks who had to make meat last a little longer naturally added the dish to its staple of mess tent menus. I mean… you have to something to break up the monotony.

"All it needs is a little salt... pepper... mustard, ketchup, sauce, flavor." – Trapper John

“All it needs is a little salt… pepper… mustard, ketchup, sauce, flavor.”

To put it the way a Chicago Tribune writer did in a 1988 piece on the history of hash, “hash has always been a dish made of leftovers.” So maybe you have a chunk of turkey or pork lying around?

Orrrrr maybe there's leftover meat from the ONE DAY EVERY YEAR everyone attempts corned beef.

Or maybe there are some leftovers from the ONE DAY EACH YEAR everyone attempts corned beef, but hardly anyone eats at all, let alone a big slab of salty meat?

The 4077th M*A*S*H was positioned close to the front lines of the Korean War. Though Private Igor Straminsky did his best to keep the food he served fresh, it was likely mostly from a can or other low-quality ingredients. Hawkeye’s aforementioned rebellion notwithstanding, almost every episode of the series referenced the food. In fact, the actor who portrayed Pvt. Straminsky wrote a cookbook in the late 1990’s, called Secrets of a M*A*S*H Messwhich included recipes for Pork Choppers with Barbeque Sauce, Intravenous Drip Dip, and Frontline Flapjacks, among others.

"Peas and carrots? I can't tell which is which."

“Peas and carrots? I can’t tell which is which.”

The book also includes the private’s recipe for Helmet Hash, which is a good thing, because I just spent all this time setting this recipe up and I’d hate to let you down.


  • 2 lbs. meat (Pvt. Igor calls a preference for sausage but I used Corned Beef because I wrote this in late March)
  • 1/4 c Olive Oil
  • 2 tbsp Minced garlic
  • 1 1/2 cup diced yellow onions
  • 1 cup chopped green onions
  • 1 cup each diced red and green bell peppers
  • 1 cup diced celery
  • 1 cup chicken stock
  • 2 cups cooked, diced, unpeeled red potatoes
  • 1/2 tsp dry mustard
  • 1 tsp onion powder
  • 1 tbsp black pepper
  • 1 tsp white pepper
  • Cayenne pepper to taste

Honestly, the real thing you’d have to worry about when serving this to people is overcooking the potatoes before you add them to the rest of the ingredients before you bake it all together. If you’re cooking for realism or to be true to the show, you would really just be cooking the hell out of it.

I like to immerse myself in food.

The hell I don’t mind so much, it’s the flavor you’ll miss. 

Preparation Orders:

  1. Preheat oven to 350°F
  2. Brown the meat, let cool, then chop coarsely
  3. Heat olive oil in a large skillet, add onions, garlic, peppers, celery, and cook until tender
  4. Add chicken stock, potatoes, meat and seasoning. Bake for 20 minutes.

Cool before serving.

Helmet Hash is best served with a dry, dirty martini.


“Attention all personnel: Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.”

Yes, I do happen to own a North Korean flag and Chairman Mao chopsticks.

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Guatemalan Insanity Pepper Chili | “The Simpsons”

So you wanna be the Pope of Chilitown, do you? Grab your wooden spoon and your chili boots, because it’s time to make Chili like Chief Wiggum.

I got mine just for the occasion.

I got mine just for the occasion.

The weather is chilly enough for chili, even here in LA. So why not save some money on the thermostat and make a chili that makes you sweat? In this instance, the chili will be powered by the Merciless Peppers of Quetzalacatenango… grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.



This is what it’s like to hold one.


That’s not entirely accurate. Guatemala is where Chief Wiggum gets his peppers to challenge Homer’s dominance of Springfield’s Annual Chili Cook Off. In the ninth episode of the Simpsons’ eighth season, Wiggum intentionally used the hot pepper to embarrass Homer at the cook off. Homer coats his mouth with wax after drinking a candle and shows Chief Wiggum who’s boss. But I’ll give it to you straight, you’re going to want some beer of your own for this one. Or milk. Or whatever you think will cool that burn.


I write a lot of Simpsons-related recipes at As Eaten, but this one is special. Yes, it is winter. That’s not special. What is special is that for the special ingredient in this one, I went to the shores of Lake Panajachel in the Guatemalan highlands and specifically retrieved the “Insanity Pepper” of Simpsons fame. The locals had actually heard of it and knew the Simpsons episode. Except they call it a horse pepper, a chile caballo, which is classified as a Rocoto Pepper. Rocoto Peppers can be rated for up to 250,000 Scoville heat units, making it one of the top ten hottest peppers in the world.

Now let's eat some of them.

Now let’s eat some of them.

First, I start with your standard pepper-centric chili recipe, with my standard disclaimer. As in the “Sloppy Jessica” post, I am from Ohio and that’s why I chose Skyline Chili for that sandwich. To me, chili tastes better with cocoa powder and/or cinnamon.


  • 2 lbs. juicy ground chuck
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 2 large carrots, sliced into rounds
  • 2 stalks of celery, sliced
  • 1 red pepper, roughly chopped
  • 1 green pepper, roughly chopped
  • 1 medium onion, roughly chopped
  • 12 mushrooms, roughly chopped
  • 12 to 16 medium tomatoes, roughly chopped
  • 1 small can of tomato paste
    OR 1 28 oz can of diced and 1 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes)
  • 1 tbsp. cumin
  • 1 tsp. oregano


  • 1 tsp. paprika
  • 1 tsp cayenne
  • 1 tsp. coriander
  • 2 tsp. chili powder
  • 2 tsp. cocoa powder
  • 1 tsp. cinnamon
  • 8 cloves of garlic, crushed
  • 1 to 3 Guatemalan Insanity Peppers, depending on how much of a chili wuss you are.
Lightly brown the ground beef. Lightly sear the peppers. Remove the beef and pepper from the grill. Remove the beef from the skewers and put them into a 4 to 6 quart slow cooker juice and all.
Chop all the vegetables, starting with the carrots and celery, then add them to the slow cooker. Then add the spices. Turn on the slow cooker to low. Then add the garlic. This is where we add the peppers. How you want to add them is up to you. Some cut them up like other vegetables, others will add them whole or half. I did a little of both.
Wearing gloves and using a non-porous surface like a plastic or glass cutting board, remove the top of the insanity pepper(s) and split it open.  You can remove the seeds and membranes to cut down on the heat, or you can leave them in. Mince the pepper and add that to the slow cooker. Please wear gloves. You won’t be able to touch your eyes, nose, mouth, dogs, or loved ones for a week or so afterward if you don’t.
Guess why.

Guess why.

Add the tomatoes, stir well.
Let the chili cook for 6 hours on high, or 8 to 12 hours on low, stirring every once in a while. It’s finished when the carrots are tender. If you want to use the stovetop (as I did), you can set it to simmer on low for 3-5 hours.
In your face, Space Coyote!

In your face, Space Coyote!

Serve with some bread, a bit of sour cream or cheese. Or all three.

Don’t be surprised if you don’t remember much the next day.

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Minestrone Soup | “Moonstruck”

by Blake

New York in the 80’s seems to be like the New York of today, except a little dirtier, more Italians, and fewer minorities. Personally, I feel as though Hollywood just doesn’t make old Italian people like they used to. In fact, this movie is like a celebration of Italian New York, complete with food, from start to finish. The movie even opens with Dean Martin’s That’s Amorewhich you have definitely heard. My actual favorite food seen in the film was the Egg-In-The-Hole being made by the best Greek-playing-Italian Olympia Dukakis, but is really too simple to require a recipe, right?



Cher is Loretta Castorini, a 37-year-old widow who looks 26 (even with gray hair) because Cher ages backward, very very slowly and who lives with her parents in an area of Brooklyn with no cars and no minorities. Her fiancé, Johnny Cammareri (Danny Aiello) flies to Sicily right after proposing to Loretta in a restaurant.  But he wants his angry, estranged brother Ronny Cammareri (Nic Cage, who appears to work as a coal shoveler at Cammareri Brothers Bakery in Brooklyn) to attend, and asks Loretta to get him there while he’s away.

The scene where Cher goes to the bakery to convince Ronny to come to the wedding contains what might be the first over-the-top Nic Cage speech scene in film history, a harbinger of the Nic Cage to come, the Nic Cage we all know and love. I would have checked, but it’s been a long time since I saw Raising Arizona and we all know what happens when you watch too many Nic Cage films.

So, Spoiler Alert: How awesome would it be for a strange woman to show up at your job, tell you she’s marrying your brother and then cook you a medium rare steak? Beautiful Cher is having dinner with Raising Arizona Nicolas Cage. And it becomes exactly the kind of relationship beginning you’d expect from a Nic Cage baker character with a wooden hand. After not nearly enough scotch to make me believe Ronny could just get a woman like Cher into bed after a steak and conversation, especially when she’s marrying his brother, I had to tweet my assertion to the world:

No way does Cher (seen here):


Fall for Raising Arizona-level Nic Cage:


Cher tweeted back at me, which was awesome. Then her fans started to, which was overwhelming. They’re pretty big fans of Nic Cage in this movie. So you decide the feasibility of this romance. In my opinion, it must have been one hell of a moon that night.

And it was. The day after Loretta meets Ronny, she’s doing her rounds as a bookkeeper at her uncle’s deli, where he asks her about the moon. The moon got into everyone the night before, apparently. As she goes, her uncle, walking off, yells to the back: “Hey Frankie! Make me a bowl of Minestrone!” Minestrone is what you eat when you’re in love.

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Or when you’re having dinner with Frasier’s dad.

So let’s start this soup which celebrates love, Minestrone is not going to choke a pig, but its a great way to start a meal that could.

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup carrots, scrubbed, 1/4-inch dice
1 cup onions, 1/4-inch dice
1 tablespoon garlic, minced
1/4 cup celery, minced
chopped fresh rosemary
1 cup white wine
1 bay leaf
1 quart water
1 cup plum tomatoes, diced
8 ounces fresh pasta
1 cup zucchini, diced and blanched
1 cup loosely packed fresh spinach
Fresh cracked pepper

Grated cheese (such as Parmesan or Romano)
2 tablespoons fresh basil, torn into little scraps


I grow my own basil, and so should everyone else.


* If you don’t have white wine on hand, chicken or vegetable stock will do in a pinch!


• In a large saucepan, heat olive oil for 1 minute on medium-high.

• Add  carrots and sauté for 1 minute.

• Add the onions and sauté for 1 additional minute before adding the garlic, celery, and rosemary.

• Sauté this mixture for 5 minutes, or until the ingredients are caramelized.

• Add the white wine and bay leaf, bring to a boil, and add the water and tomatoes.


• Bring to a boil, add the pasta, decrease the heat to low, and simmer for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the pasta is cooked.

• Remove the pan from the heat, fish out the bay leaf, and swirl in the zucchini and spinach.

• Season the soup to taste with salt and pepper.

• Call Frasier’s Dad out for being too old to sleep with college girls and/or enjoy the zest love brought to your life.

FYI – Cammareri Brothers bakery at Henry and Sackett Streets in Brooklyn still open!



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Sausage and Waffle and Fried Chicken Breakfast Lasagna | “The Boondocks”

by Blake Stilwell

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I’ve always come short of writing direct Thanksgiving recipes. As Eaten has a recipe for a nice holiday dessert. We have a recipe to tell you what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers. I’m not one to tell you what to do with your Thanksgiving food, no matter how bad it might be. Today we have a Thanksgiving-related post, not in terms of the kind of food or celebration of the holiday, but today we celebrate what comes after. This post is a celebration of The ‘Itis.

Itis: /ī-təs/ n. – The general feeling of lethargy and well-being experienced after eating a large, usually high calorie meal. This phenomena is particularly triggered by foods high in carbohydrates and red meat.


In season 1, episode 10 of the critically acclaimed and often controversial animated series the Boondocks, Robert “Granddad” Freeman (John Witherspoon) cooks up Huey’s (Regina King) broccoli with pork, to which Huey says “vegetables cooked with pork counts as pork!” The meal he makes for entrepreneur Ed Wuncler (Ed Asner) and a local couple, the Dubois, inspires the creation of The Itis, a restaurant with beds instead of tables and a menu that, according to Huey, “will cause death.”

The signature menu item is the “Luther,” a one-pound burger, soaked in butter and cheese, served with five strips of bacon on a grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut.

So why opt to make the breakfast lasagna, instead of the Luther, featured so heavily in the episode? The Luther is pretty common by now, you can even order one for Sunday brunch at Churchkey in Washington, DC. Also, Krispy Kremes are hard to come by in Upstate Central New York. Also, if you watch the rest of the episode, you know the terrible effects the Luther can have on a community, and I wouldn’t want to inflict something like that on you, dear reader. I also promised to make a real dish this time, instead of another sandwich.

Also, the irony of writing a blog post, creating a recipe from an episode of a show that is not only a scathing indictment of the movie Soul Food, but also of soul food itself, is not lost on me.


This is a six-part miniseries. You’ll need waffles instead of lasagna noodles, made for multiple layers, as well as layers of eggs, a sausage layer, a fried chicken layer, and enough sausage gravy and cheese for other layers.

Maple Syrup
Pepper Bacon
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
Pepper to Taste

Sausage Layer:
4 fresh sausage links
maple syrup

Fried Chicken Layer:
6-8 boneless fried chicken thighs
large bottle of vegetable, peanut, or canola oil
4 cups flour
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
2 tsp cayenne pepper
2 tbsp paprika
2 tbsp salt

Sausage Gravy:
3 tbsp butter
2 fresh sausage links, casings removed
1/4 c flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 1/2 cups milk
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Waffle Layer(s):
You could always buy Eggos, which is waffle blasphemy, or make an instant waffle mix, which is less horrifying.

1 3/4 cups unbleached, all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 3/4 cups milk
2 eggs
1/2 cup canola oil
1 teaspoon vanilla

Scrambled Egg Layer:
6 Eggs
3/4 c Ricotta Cheese
1/2 lb Shredded Cheddar


  1. For the scrambled eggs, whisk eggs and salt together in a large bowl. Melt butter in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. When foam subsides, add eggs and stir until eggs are almost cooked but still runny in parts, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in ricotta until incorporated but clumps of cheese are still visible.
  2. To make fried chicken, mix the dry ingredients with the flour, then place seasoned flour in a paper bag. Add 4 to 5 pieces of chicken to the bag and shake, coating thoroughly in seasoned flour. Fill a large skillet 3/4 full with good, clean oil. (I used canola, but granddad probably used peanut or vegetable). Heat the oil to 325° F and put chicken one at a time into the oil. Don’t let the chicken pieces touch. Cook until juices start to flow out of the chicken. Turn with tongs, cook another five minutes. Place chicken onto paper towel-lined plate. When in doubt, use a meat thermometer. Chicken should be cooked to 158°.
  3. To cook the sausage gravy, heat butter in a large frying pan over medium-high heat until foaming. Add sausage and cook, breaking it up into smaller pieces with a wooden spoon, until the meat starts to brown, about 5 minutes. Reduce heat to medium. Add flour, salt, pepper, and cayenne. Cook, stirring frequently, for 1 minute. Gradually stir in milk, scraping up any browned bits from the bottom of the pan. Bring to a simmer, stirring constantly, until the mixture has thickened slightly, about 1 minute more. Remove from heat.
  4. To cook the sausage, fry the sausages until the fat and juices start to fill the pan. Once there’s a layer of  fat in the pan, add a tablespoon of maple syrup to each link and cook thoroughly. Slice the sausage at an angle.
  5. For the waffles, separate the yolks and the whites. Set the whites aside and mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. Make a crater in the middle and mix the wet ingredients (except the egg whites) there. Then mix the whole batter.Whip the egg whites until stiff, then fold the whites into the batter bowl. Cook in a waffle iron.
  6. Fry bacon until crispy, keep in long strips and dry on a paper towel.
  7. To assemble lasagna, butter a 8×8-inch casserole dish. Place waffles side by side in the bottom of the dish. Spread 1/4 cup of maple syrup evenly over the waffles. Top with half the scrambled eggs. Layer sausage slices on top of the eggs. Sprinkle half the cheddar evenly over the eggs. Top with half the sausage gravy. Repeat these layers once more. Finish by arranging bacon strips in an even layer on top. Add extra pepper, liberally at any level, because black pepper is awesome.

Bake at 400°F for 15 minutes. Lasagna can be assembled the day before, covered, and refrigerated until ready to serve. Remove lasagna from oven and let sit for 30 minutes before slicing and serving.


You really can’t (shouldn’t) eat too much of this at any one time and the resulting Itis is immediate, especially when eaten in the morning.



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The Larry David | “Curb Your Enthusiasm”

by Blake Stilwell

I realize I’ve been making a lot of sandwiches lately. I wonder what it is about the sandwich that makes it so popular in television and film. Maybe sandwiches are inherently funny? I promise more substantial foods in the future, but for now… It has long been a secret dream of mine to be so famous (or rather, well-known) that a deli somewhere feels compelled to name a sandwich after me. If this ever happened, I of course would want it to be delicious… like some kind of fried catfish po’boy with cole slaw or a gruyère grilled cheese with caramelized onions or something like that. To have a sandwich named after you that tastes terrible would be aggravating. Of course it happened to Larry David in the first episode of season five of HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. larry-david-sandwich This both is and is not a joke. It’s a joke in that it’s a hilarious thing that happened to Larry on the show, it’s not in that this is really the sandwich we are about to make right now.

• Smoked Whitefish
• Sabel (or some other kind of smoked whitefish)
• Cream Cheese
• Onions
• Capers
• Rye Bread

The sandwich itself is pretty easy to make, as all sandwiches tend to be. The ingredients might be a little hard to find, though surprisingly, smoked whitefish is widely available. I didn’t know this because I have never had a desire to buy smoked whitefish for any reason ever. And apparently Sabel is just another kind of whitefish. I couldn’t really find something called sabel, but I was able to find another whitefish, which… I guess is good. LarryDavid Even this monstrosity would make your dad proud. Personally, I wouldn’t care if I like my own sandwich or not, I just want the sandwich. In the end, it became the Richard Lewis because two kinds of fish just wasn’t good enough for Larry.

F**k you, Larry.

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Sloppy Jessica | “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”

by Blake Stilwell

I have never been more excited about carbohydrates as I am at this moment. While watching my favorite new show of the 2013 Fall season, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, I came across the Sloppy Jessica, something I had never before heard of but completely support.

This bit of sandwich glory appeared after Sergeant Jeffords (Terry Crews), Detective Santiago (Melissa Fumero), and office secretary Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), start a horrible crash diet – whose lunches include a single carrot and a snack of a razor-thin slice of cantaloupe – and Gina caves immediately. As the other two sit down to lunch, Gina brings in the Sloppy Jessica, described as “mac-and-cheese-chili pizza on a bun.”


The important thing for this younger sister of the Sloppy Joe is to determine how to best interpret “mac-and-cheese-chili pizza on a bun.” Should we make a whole pizza and stuff it onto a bun? Or make a pizza of the bun and cover it with Mac n’ Cheese and then Chili? Or just Chili Mac? The possibilities are endless! But, based on how the sandwich itself looks onscreen (I know it’s just a sitcom, but whatever) it looks like the Mozzarella is on the bottom and the rest of the bun is filled with delicious chili and Mac n’ Cheese. So it’s a sandwich in three parts! Being from Southern Ohio, I have a distinct kind of Chili preference, so I don’t often make Chili from scratch (I do have a recipe, but that’s a secret), but there are a number of awesome Chili recipes out there. While they wouldn’t be using Cincinnati Chili in Brooklyn (that’s found in Manhattan), I used it here because I want this to be as awesome as possible.

I think it would be better to make the two separately and mix them, as I often find chili mac to be really dry and half the fun of the two dishes when cooked separately. Feel free to make Chili Mac  from another recipe if that’s your preference!

• Kraft Cheese and Macaroni
• Chili
• Mozzarella Cheese
• Hoagie Buns



Preheat oven to 350°F. Open the bun and remove some of the interior. Then add a layer of mozzarella cheese thick enough to create a thick melted layer.

Cook Kraft Macaroni and Cheese as per instructions on the box (don’t mess with a classic).

Prepare chili as instructed by your personal tastes and/or laboriously developed chili recipe)

Toast sub roll and melt the cheese into the bun

Mix Chili and Mac n’ Cheese (if necessary)

Add Chili & Mac Mixture to Melted Cheese Bun


My Sloppy J.


Enjoy for Hours, Lament for Days



My Sloppy J.


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Beef and Bacon Pie with Onions In Gravy | “Game of Thrones”

by Blake Stilwell of (according to numerous online Game of Thrones-based personality tests) House Baratheon.

"Our Favorite Food"

“Ours is Our Favorite Food”

I actually believe if House Stilwell had a place in Westeros, our sigil would likely be a fat bear, wearing a bib and drinking  two fingers of scotch. I also think this is probably Robert Baratheon’s personal sigil, one he just never talked about.  But this isn’t about me, this is a celebration!


This month, HBO dropped the latest season of Game of Thrones on Blu-Ray, a gift for which I have already pre-ordered for my mother (it was her Christmas gift. Don’t judge me. I got schmaltzy gifts for her for the past five years and I think she actually liked this much better). Of course I didn’t wait for this to watch. Who possibly could? To celebrate this momentous occasion (and maybe have it available for this year’s premiere of Season Four), As Eaten brings you something as epic as the Game of Thrones theme song: a hearty dish from the North!


Not that far North.

No, not Ygritte. It’s a Beef and Bacon Pie, from the lands around Winterfell! The recipe comes from A Feast of Ice and Fire: the Official Game of Thrones Cookbook by Chelsea Monroe-Cassel and Sariann Lehrer, based on their blog Inn At The Crossroads. This book is more than a recipe book. Its an exhaustively-researched history of food and medieval cookery. It’s a fascinating mix of narrative and historical context. I highly recommend this. It’s so much more than a cookbook. And if you’re throwing a Game of Thrones-themed party, you will not find a better companion!


Well.. maybe one better companion…

The North of Westeros is a vast, cold place. As such, the food tends to toward what we in the US call “comfort food.” They are heavy, hearty plates, full of meats, gravies, breads, and such. This recipe is no different. The difference is where the comfort food in the US can be bland at times, save the use of salt and pepper, the use of fruits and spices in this  meat mixture brings a unique, exotic flavor.


It’ll taste better than you think it will.

But you’ll need to start with the medieval pastry dough. There is a special recipe, and the first ingredient should be an indicator of the uniqueness of flavors I’m talking about. If it sounds weird that the North of Westeros uses Saffron in its baking doughs, there is a very interesting explanation, based in both the lore of the Game of Thrones universe as well as Medieval History, thoroughly researched and presented to the reader. It’s really a good read. And it’s delicious.

Pinch of Saffron
1/2 C Water
1/2 C Unsalted Butter
3 C Flour 2 Egg Yolks, beaten

Dissolve the saffron in the water. Rub the butter into the flour with your fingers until there are only crumb-sized pieces. Add the egg yolks and saffron water until the mixture is sticky. To pre-bake a shell, line a pan with thin-rolled dough.use a fork to poke holes all over the bottom of the pastry shells. Bake for 10 minutes at 350° F.


Beef and Bacon Pie

The book offers two recipes, a modern version and a medieval version. The recipe I used from this book is more of the medieval sort, which I think more appropriate, given the setting of the show and books.

1/2 c thick-cut bacon, diced
1 1/2 lbs stew beef, diced
1/2 tsp black pepper 1/2 tsp salt
1/4 c red wine vinegar
1/3 c prunes
1/3 c raisins
1/3 c dates pitted and chopped
1 c beef broth
2-3 tbsp flour
1 egg, beaten

Preheat oven to 375° F.  Cook the bacon in a saucepan until the fat runs from it, then drain off the fat. To the bacon pan, add the beef, spices, vinegar, and fruits. Add enough broth to wet the mixture until its runny. Mix in the flour and cook until the juices form a gravy. Cool the mixture. Line a 9-inch pie pan with a pastry dough and fill it with the meat mixture.

The book calls for a pastry lid. But the book has a great photo of a pie with a bacon lattice lid, so we decided to go with this because it was so much more epic. We used the remaining chewy bacon that wasn’t quite crispy to form the lattice so it would crips in the oven. The fruit will melt as the pie bakes and form a sweet, salty, savory mix of flavors that is absolutely fantastic.


Onions in Gravy

10 oz boiler or pearl onions
1 Tbsp honey
1 Tbsp unsalted butter
1 sprig of freshly chopped savory herb, such as rosemary or thyme
1/3 c apple cider
1 tbsp flour
3 c beef stock
Splash of Brandy

Clean and peel the onions. Quarter seven of them and put the rest aside. In a deep frying pan, add the honey, herbs, and quartered onions.make sure the onions get covered with the honey-butter mixture, cook for 8 minutes, browning the onions. Add the cider to the pan in three distinct splashes. let the cider heat between splashes. Sprinkle flour into the pan and form a gravy. Add the stock and the rest of the onions and bring to a simmer. Cook for 5 minutes and reduce until it has a thicker, more gravy-like consistency. Add salt and pepper to taste. We garnished with rosemary because it looked nice and we had some left over.


This one-two punch combination of sweet and savory is a filling, hearty meal fit for you or any Stark. Any Stark that may still be alive, that is.

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Shark’s Fin Soup | “Clue: The Movie”

by Blake Stilwell, in the kitchen, with the knife.

Long before Charles Carson taught me what being a butler really meant, I learned that the Butler buttles. He is the head of the Kitchen and Dining Room and likes to keep the kitchen “tidy.” In 1985’s Clue: The Movie, that role is played by Tim Curry in what is in my opinion his best role ever, and Rocky Horror fans can think of that what they like.

So can Stephen King.

So can Stephen King.

Clue might be the first movie based on a board game (or perhaps… the only one that isn’t unwatchably horrible), Tim Curry plays Wadsworth, the most charming butler since Irene hired Godfrey. Wadsworth gathers a group of seemingly unrelated guests to dinner. Their only common element is they all received a letter. Which read:

“It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial liability.”

This letter from “A friend” was read to the guests over dinner, a dinner that included Monkey’s Brains (Mrs. Peacock’s favorite) and a delicious shark’s fin soup. While researching this article, I found what looks like a great recipe for the soup from a 1982 New York Times article. But as I further researched the dish, I became a little bit worried about recommending it to people to actually eat.

Shark’s Fin Soup is  made from the stock of a shark’s fin. But since the shark fin itself has very little flavor, especially for a stock, it is usually helped along with chicken stock. The fin is more for texture than flavor. But it is still seen as a delicacy and can cost upwards of $80-$100 per bowl. If that wasn’t enough, shark fishermen actually catch sharks just for their fins and leave the rest of the carcass. Moreover, shark fins contain a LOT of mercury, formaldehyde, hydrogen peroxide, and other toxins. FDA studies show almost 80% of sharks fins contain significant levels dangerous substances that cause Alzheimer’s and impotence (which sucks, because so many cultures think it’s and aphrodisiac.) To make a long story short (TOO LATE), Shark’s Fin Soup just isn’t that good for you or for sharks. We’ll give Clue a pass because it was set in 1954, but for us, we’re gonna need something better.

Lucky for us, supernaturally gifted and nationally acclaimed Chef Peter Pahk concocted a sustainable Faux Shark Fin Soup recipe that he (rightly) claims is better than the real thing. Because arsenic is a terrible soup ingredient.

Dying at a dinner party wrecks everything.

Dying at a dinner party wrecks everything.

Be advised: This recipe require 4 hours of soaking the ingredients. And that is not a red herring.


  • 1 ounce Chinese black mushrooms (shitake)
  • 8-10 pieces of dried tree ear mushrooms
  • 2 ounces cellophane noodles
  • 2 ounces skinless raw chicken breast
  • 2 ounces lean raw pork
  • 2 cups unsalted chicken broth
  • 2 cups water
  • 1 tablespoon dark soy sauce
  • Dash of sesame oil
  • White pepper, to taste
  • Salt, to taste
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 4 tablespoons water
  • 1 egg, lightly beaten


Soak the black mushrooms, tree ear mushrooms and cellophane noodles separately in hot water for 4 hours until they soften. Drain well.


Remove the hard stems of the black mushrooms (you can save them to cook with other Chinese soups) and cut the remaining pieces into small strips. Chop the tree ear mushrooms into small pieces and cut the cellophane noodles into 1-inch pieces with scissors. Set aside.

Slice the chicken breast and pork into thin strips.

Bring the chicken broth and water to a boil. Add the chicken, pork, black and tree ear mushrooms, and cook until all ingredients are cooked through and softened. Add the cellophane noodles, soy sauce, sesame oil, white pepper and salt to taste.

In a small bowl, mix the cornstarch and water to make a thick slurry. Return the soup to a boil, stir in the cornstarch mixture and beaten egg and mix well. Remove from heat and serve in small bowls. Serves six.


Besides making the song “Sh-Boom, Sh-Boom” and “Shake, Rattle, and Roll” remind me of murder and blackmail, Clue gave me a what is probably the biggest influence on my sense of humor and timing it was one of the best comedies of the 1980’s and maybe of all time and I almost felt bad for Lee Ving (Mr. Boddy), being included in a cast of comedy legends that included Madeline Kahn (Mrs White), Christopher Lloyd (Prof. Plum), Michael McKean (Mr. Green), Martin Mull (Col. Mustard) and Leslie Ann Warren (Miss Scarlet), not to mention the legendary Eileen Brennan (Mrs. Peacock) and oh MY this soup’s delicious isn’t it?

But really, it is one of the best soups I’ve ever made or eaten. This is one dish where the quality of the recipe really lives up to the quality of the movie, even though Clue had to add some characters to the game to smooth the plot of the movie (FYI – Mr. Boddy is a real character. He’s the game’s murder victim). Though Wadsworth, the cook, and Yvette are not in the game, their inclusion is both necessary and hilarious.

You might agree.

You might agree.

Can I interest anyone in fruit or dessert?

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Bluth’s Frozen Banana | “Arrested Development”

by Blake Stilwell

And now the story of the one dessert that was the basis of three seasons of a show that formed the most brilliant and complex comedy ever written and the one season I’d rather forget… It’s the Bluth Frozen Banana from Arrested Development. Though there were many great potential recipes to derive from this series, like Skip’s Scramble, Klimpy’s Ike and Tina Tuna, or a banger in the mouth, but those will all have to wait for later.

You too, hot ham water.

You too, hot ham water.

If there’s one signature dish from this show, it’s Bluth’s Original Frozen Banana. The banana stand opened in 1963 and has been a Newport Beach icon ever since. It has also been destroyed and rebuilt many times as part of a yearly tradition of tossing it into the ocean. In case someone out there hasn’t seen the show, I won’t get into how it came to be, but it warranted a ribbon cutting by George Sr.


While it may seem fairly straightforward, the Bluth’s Frozen Banana Stand’s menu does have a few options, as seen in many an episode:


In case it’s too small to read, the menu goes:

– The Original Frozen Banana — Frozen banana dipped in hot fudge and covered with fresh nuts
– The George Daddy — Frozen dipped bananas sandwiched between chocolate grahams
– The On the Go-Go Banana — Frozen banana in a cup of sizzling hot fudge
– The Giddy-Girly Banana — Frozen banana dipped in hot fudge and covered with our pink heart candy

And then theres a secret hidden menu item, only one person orders: the G.O.B., a frozen banana double dipped in chocolate with double the nuts. It takes two sticks to hold up. Any one of them is fairly easy to make, though pink heart candy may be difficult to find after February. And bananas are a cheap snack!



  • 3 bananas, cut in half
  • Popsicle sticks (chinese carryout chopsticks will work in a pinch)
  • 1 bag dark chocolate chips
  • 1-1/2 tablespoons coconut oil
  • 1 cup chopped walnuts

Operation Hot Banana:

  • Put a stick in each banana . Place on wax paper and put in the freezer. Let freeze for a few hours or overnight.
  • Melt the chocolate in a double boiler, slowly add oil and mix (if you don’t have one, you can use two different sizes of stacked saucepans).


  • Dip the banana in the chocolate, covering the entire banana. Cover liberally with walnuts and place on a cooling rack or plate with wax paper. You can put them back into the freezer to keep them for longer.
I made the GOB. Obviously.


Of course I made the GOB. As if I’m going to spend $15 on fruit and chocolate and not load up as much as possible. COME ON

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